The Return....

Sitting on the narrow, rather uncomfortable bus seat, staring out the window, Sonia leaned over and told me we had about 15 minutes left. As we were approaching what was soon to become my new home, I had no idea what to expect.  Everything around me was grayish-brown, dusty and reminded me a lot of bing in Arizonia. Trees and shrubs flashed by in the window here and there as our rapidito (small/direct bus) speed it's way to Las Flores, Lempira giving the scenery a little bit of color, but what caught my eye was the mountains all around us.  As we passed the desvio (turn off) for Lepaera, which I knew was up at the top of the mountain and would be Eric's site, I couldn't help but wonder if he had arrived yet?  As we slowed and drove over a speed bump, Sonia said we had arrived.  Looking around, I didn't see much.  We were on a 2-lane highway and we pulled off the road at a giant pink tire (llanta) marking the location of the local tire-changing/fixing establishment.  As I stepped off the bus, I was glad Slater's counterparts had taken my giant duffle bags in their car because I had too much to take in at that moment to deal with shlupping two giant suite cases down a gravel road.  As soon as we stepped off the bus, and i didn't have that nice breeze on my face, I realized I was in for a treat.  It was hot - hotter than hot.  There were mountains all around us, but we were down in the valley, which meant I was going to be living in a "hot site." My feet were already sweating, my Keens were letting all sorts of dust and rocks be kicked right under my foot, my clothes were sticking to me, and I didn't even want to know what my hair looked like.  Three little boys were running down the road as we made our way to Sonia's house, but they all stopped mid stride when they saw my white skinned, blond haired self walking down the street. There was no trying to blend in or act like a local.  I could have been spotted a mile away, and I felt like everyone was looking at me.  We hustled inside and Sonia showed me to my room.  My bags had already arrived and instead of unpacking, I was passed out on my new bed about 15 minutes later.  It was a stressful night and 8-hour bus ride, but I had finally arrived to my new home for what was supposed to be 2 years.

Those two years, however, were cut short and Tomorrow marks six months since leaving Honduras.  I can honestly say that these last six months have probably been the fastest six months of my life.  How is it all of the sudden the middle of July - What even happened to June?  Thinking about what I have done in these last six months - I am actually a little bit proud of myself.  I recovered from three different kinds of parasites, started working, applied to graduate school, traveled for a month, was accepted to grad  school, and then spent the last three and half months working back home in Alaska.  It was fun, but each day I was counting down to this moment - the time when I get to go back to Honduras.  Yes, you heard me right - I am going back to Honduras - on the 18th.  A lot of people have questioned my decision - "really, you are returning to a place that was deemed to dangerous to keep you volunteers any longer?"  And, I must say that is a valid question, but for some reason, it does not seem to be stopping me.  I have a pull - there is actually something pulling me back there.  It is something I can't seem to find words to explain, but for other Peace Corps Volunteers who were enjoying their Peace Corps experience as much as I was, you all can understand the desire to go back.  I miss so many things.  I miss my host family - the amazing people that took me in as a complete stranger and made me part of their family.  My Peace Corps experience would have been so different had a been placed in a different site, or even with another family.  Sonia - my host mom - took me under her wing and made my experience so much better for it.  On May 16th, 2011, the day after arriving to site, she took me all around town introducing me to people and letting them know who I was and what i was doing in town - and with that, she took away my nervousness.  Ok, of course I was still nervous, but having her their with me - she gave me the confidence I needed to make my Peace Corps experience what I wanted it to be.  What ever ideas I had, she was right behind me to make it work.  

When I moved out of Sonia's house to my house "arriba," I then had the opportunity to get to know the family who owned my house.  They were beyond welcoming.  Patty, the actual owner of the house, who lived in San Pedro, came into town every other weekend or so and she made it a point to welcome me into the family - her parents, Don Adrean and Amparo were a little more hesitant to make the first move. Patty, however, would just open the door to her parent's house, stick her head out and yell - "Coraaaaaaal - Hay Baleadas!!!"  Which meant - Coral come over for dinner and eat some baleadas, which were my favorite.  They were always inviting me for dinner, bringing me fruit they picked, or just popping into chat. 

It was my boyfriend at the time that got me set up with my little house.  Don Adrean is his uncle.  He apparently talked to Don Adrean about me needing a place, so they had been preparing it for a month before I even found out about it.  The cleared everything out, built a bathroom and a pila (where you wash clothes), and cleaned the whole house.  I was very grateful.  I wasn't really sure what I was going to do - It was time to move out out Sonia's house, and I hadn't found anything up to my standards.  I needed more than just a room with a bed and a closet.  I could have stayed at Sonia's house, but I like having my space and a kitchen.  So, Mermaid (that is what all the volunteers ended up calling my boyfriend at the time because his name was Ariel - The Little Mermaid) introduced me to Don Adrean and took me up to the little house so I could make sure it was all up to snuff, which it was.  I was moved in a few days later!

I will be forever grateful to Mermaid for introducing me to his family.  I will always feel as though I am a part of his family - even though he and I did not work out.  I know his parents, Don Adrean and Amparo, and Patty all think that he and I will still end up together one day, but it is just not going to happen.  That is a whole different story, but let me just preface it with the fact that he is your normal Honduran and likes to have more than one girlfriend, which is not OK with me.  That may be acceptable in Honduras, but that is one part of the Honduran culture that I would never be able to accept.  So, even though Mermaid and I broke up, we were still friends, and I was still basically part of his family.  I would visit his mom almost every day, and I was always spending time with his sisters - and obviously Don Adrean, Amparo, and Patty as they were my landlords and were always watching out for me.

So many other people and families took me in and and wanted to help me in every way they could - it would take a lot to explain them all to you, and that would probably get a little repetitive and boring,  so I'll spare you.  But, if you can take anything away from this, I want you to take away that Honduran people are open, generous and caring  Of course there are people who don't fit into that mold and people who are extremists, but in my opinion, that is not the majority.  Honduras currently has the highest murder rate in the world, but it kills me that people focus on that.  The people causing that title are not the majority - they are the people involved in violence and drugs and they are giving my amazing Honduras a bad reputation.  

Trying to explain to people why I want to go back, is complicated and they tend to focus on the bad - on the danger and the violence of bing in, and traveling, around Honduras.  But that is not what I picture when I imagine going back to Honduras.  I am picturing my host family, and all the other people that became my Honduran family.  I miss Las Flores - the town that became my home away from home.  

I had only been living in Las Flores for eight months, but I really did feel like it was my home.  I had adjusted, made a routine, and enjoyed every aspect of my work.  When it was time to leave, I was devastated.  I know there were volunteers who breathed a sigh of relief when we were told that we had to leave, but I was not one of them.  Yes, i thought about the fact that it was nice not to have to finish my two-year commitment, but after weighing out everything in my mind, that small part of it did not win.  One more year would have been so easy.  I had projects to look forward to that would have made the time go by quickly - I had friends and "family" to be with and I would have had more time to learn the language and the culture.  I honestly feel like I was jipped.  

Since I left, all I have been able to think about has been going back. Amanda, Nina and I even talked about going back and opening a bakery.  We played around with a lot of ideas of going back and how we could make a living, but I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do any of them - especially after I found out about graduate school. But, I still needed to go back, I still had that draw. Part of this is for selfish reasons - I don't want Honduras to forget about me - I don't want Las Flores to forget about me.  I want them to remember who I am and all that I did, and the friendships that were formed.  My mom didn't understand why I felt the need to make a trip to Honduras before starting graduate school in August, and I couldn't quite explain it to her.  But, to tell you the truth that was it.  I don't want them to forget about me, and I don't want to forget about them.  Being back in the United States, we all get drawn back in to the United States way of life.  It doesn't take much, and honestly, it is not a bad thing, but I just don't want it.  I want to keep Honduras at my finger tips, I want to remember my experiences and keep it all fresh in my mind.  

I don't know exactly what I will accomplish by returning to Las Flores.  I know that it will make me happy, though.  It is something I feel the need to do, so I'm doing it.  I will spend 10 days, not being a volunteer, which will be very weird and different in itself.  I will, however, always remember everything I learned in Peace Corps and everything Juan Carlos taught us about being safe. Honduras - Las Flores specifically - will be a part of me for the rest of my life - I don't ever want to lose it and I am going to do what ever I can to not allow that to happen.

Leaving.... Part 1

Written January 22nd

It has taken me a while to be able to write about this, but it has come time to tell the story about leaving Honduras. I know some of you are curious, but then some have pieced it together, but I’m going to take some time to tell you what happened and how it took a toll on me. I have postponed it for so long because I know it is going to be a difficult thing for me to write about. My emotions are always so much stronger when I write and I have not been ready to really let the tears run, but I’m back home in Alaska, and I guess there will be no better a time than now. I‘m going to do this in two parts to take less of a toll on me, I hope you enjoy.

A month and two days ago, we were told we would be leaving Honduras. It has been a rough month, to say the least. That day, Tuesday December 20th, Amanda and I were sitting in Big Baleadas in Santa Rosa de Copan. We received a text message from the Peace Corps office, telling us our country director had just sent a very important e-mail and that we either need to read it right then, or call the office if we did not have access to internet. At that same moment, the internet for the baleada restaurant decided to stop working. Amanda and I unplugged our computers, grabbed our purses, and pretty much ran to another café that we knew had fast internet - Jireth. My computer automatically signed onto the internet at Jireths, so I was able to open the e-mail before Amanda - I read it allowed.

This e-mail told us about the unfortunate decision that was made to pause Peace Corps operations in Honduras and complete an evaluation of the safety and security of the country. At this time, we were also put on Standfast, meaning we were not allowed to leave our sites for any reason, and Peace Corps also informed us a little about some of our options for the future. We could take “interrupted service” and go home or decide to stay in Honduras, or we could return home and stay on “administrative hold,” and wait to see what happens to Peace Corps Honduras.

From this day on, we got weekly updates with answers to frequently asked logistical questions, and were informed about the 4-day conference we were going to be having in Tegucigalpa before being shipped back to the US on January 16th. This was a difficult three weeks - I spent Christmas and New Years in my site, but the idea that I was being sent home was always weighing me down - you can never truly enjoy something when your mind is spending so much energy thinking about something else.

Amanda got back to Honduras from Christmas in the States on January 6th, which made my life easier - it is always easier to make it through hard times when you have someone to talk - even if it is just on the phone. Yes, I had plenty of people to talk to in Las Flores, but talking it over in Spanish with a Honduran just wasn’t the same. I had to spend a lot of time and energy explaining why I had to leave, and how the country really is dangerous even though Las Flores isn’t. It was a lot of energy that sometime I just didn’t want to use. I wanted to talk to a friend in English to complain about the rotten citation, complain about Peace Corps lack of communication, to be sad together about not leaving - and Amanda was the person I needed to do that with. We learned to understand each other, to support each other, to comfort each other during the many times we had spent together in Las Flores.

Once I had my chatting buddy back, I was able to unload on her and relax a little bit. But, I still had six days intil we were leaving, and I needed to sell all my belongings, say my goodbyes, take my cat to her new owners - it was going to be a busy week. The one upside of keeping myself busy was my ability to not think about what was making me sad - I could focus on my to-do list.

Saturday, January 7th, was my going away party put on my the mayor’s office in Las Flores. We went to the hot springs, drank beer (my first time in front of any of them), ate cake, listened to music, and talked about how unfortunate it was that I had to leave. It was fun, and at about 10 p.m., my friends and I decided that we wanted to go dancing, so we moved down to the other pool in town - which always has music for dancing on Saturday nights! It was the perfect night. I said some goodbyes, got some pictures, and was having a fun night with my friends - and I was so excited to get some dancing in before leaving Honduras.

Me and Wil - the Mayor of Las Flores

Unfortunately my perfect going away party was short-lived. I danced twice, and then was saying hi to some other friends, when my best friend in site got a beer bottle smashed over his head by a co-worker’s jealous husband. Nobody understands what or why it happened because my friend is the most calm, friendly guy in Las Flores - he doesn’t have enemies - or so we all thought. But, when you give a jealous husband a bunch of booze, I guess there is just no telling what he will do - including breaking a bottle over a guys head who did absolutely nothing.

After this fiasco, my friends and I went up to my house - my night (and my best friends night) was pretty much ruined, but it only got worse.

An hour later, my friend started puking up blood. At first it was only a little bit, so we were thinking we would take him to the hospital in the morning when the buses started running, but when he started puking again, with a lot more blood, we decided - and he wanted - to go to the hospital. By this time it was almost 2 a.m. and none of us had cars. We started making calls, looking for someone who was awake and had access to a car, but we came up with nothing. Finally we got a hold of the mayor’s secretary, who was still awake and said if we got the OK from the mayor, he would drive us in the company truck. So, at about 2:30 a.m. another friend and I walked down to the mayor’s house, woke him up, and got the OK to use the truck. A half an hour later my friend was getting x-rays and was given extra strength Tylenol and some pills to get rid of his nausea. That was it!!!! His face wasn’t broken, so they sent him on his way. When he was back in Las Flores, he slept in my spare bedroom, so I could keep an eye on him. He puked one more time, then I gave him some nausea medicine, and Tylenol for the pain. He slept for the next two days - only getting up to take his pills and eat a little.

Everyday I had texts, calls, and people coming up to me to ask how he was doing. Nobody had seen him in days because after he was able to move around, he still didn’t want to because he didn’t want people to see his face, which was black and swollen. So, while he was recovering, I was making arrangements to sell my belongings: stove, oven, dishes, fridge, bed, bedding, closet, water filter, and fan.

I was going to be leaving Las Flores at 6 a.m. on January 12, so I spent the 9th and the 10th cleaning my house and packing all my stuff - deciding what I wanted to take with me, and what I could get rid of. It was a slow process, especially because I didn’t want to do it, so I got easily distracted. I was still finishing on the 11th - I put it off as long as I could. I kept trying to believe that if I just didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have to leave, but eventually I had to realize that wasn’t going to be the case.

My cat, Junior, could tell something was going on all day on the 11th. She stayed right next to me the whole time I was packing my suitcases and cleaning the house. But, at one point my friends came over to say hi, and they were hanging out outside while I finished mopping the floor. At this point, Junior decided to climb a tree, and when I finished mopping and went outside, and then I burst into tears. I don’t know what triggered it, I just leaned against the wall, looked at my friend, and started bawling! I ran inside to calm myself, grabbed my backpack, cat food, cat toys, and cat treats and went outside to get Junior. Unfortunately, she was still in the tree and couldn’t get down. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to come down, she was winning because she actually couldn’t get down! One of my friends ended up climbing up the tree and getting her down for me.

Wagner and Junior... Thank you friend!!!

Taking Junior to her new home was one of the hardest parts of leaving Las Flores. Obviously the people and friendships are more important than a pet, but I shed a lot more tears when I dropped Junior off. I also had to say goodbye to some very close friends at the same time, which could explain the excess tears, but it was hard to say the least.

The rest of the night went very well - it was the perfect last night. We went to the hot springs and just relaxed for a while, and then when we had turned pruney, we went back to my house because we had a plan for the rest of the night. I had saved everything that I decided didn’t make the cut for my two bags that I was allowed to take back to the states with me, and that weren’t worth giving to anyone in Las Flores. So we went back to my house, grabbed all my “garbage” and walked to the river. What better way to commemorate and celebrate my times in Las Flroes than with a bon fire? A lot of what got burned were all the manuals that we were given during training: policy manuals, medical policy manuals, old health project manuals, hand outs, old Spanish notebooks - it was a good way to end my time in Las Flores and with Peace Corps - in my opinion.

Goodbye Las Flores... and Peace Corps....You will be missed!

We went back to my house after everything was burnt, and then just hung out. I didn’t want to say goodbye, and neither did my friends, so we just stayed up. Eric was going to be coming to my house - originally at 6:30 but later that changed - at 8:00 a.m. So, I spent the early morning packing all my last minute items, moving my stuff outside, going on a mission for orange juice and taking out money from the bank agent in town, then we all just sat around until Eric made it. We were running on Honduran time, so he didn’t get there until almost 9 a.m., which was when we were supposed to be arriving in Santa Rosa to get on the bus Peace Corps had rented to take all 33 volunteers who lived in the west to the hotel in Tegucigalpa. But, the bus wasn’t actually leaving until 10 a.m. so we were doing fine. I finally had to say a quick goodbye after throwing my bags in the back of the truck, and then I drove away from Las Flores, with the realization that I had no idea when I was ever going to be there again! I kept pretty quite for the 40 minute drive to Santa Rosa. I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I had just left! I felt bad that I didn’t talk much with Eric’s friend who drove us, but I’m guessing he probably understood.

Once in Santa Rosa, I had one more goodbye to make, then got on the bus. We were put up in a fancy bus with seats that reclined, and we even had a bathroom. However, the fancy bus stored all the luggage underneath, meaning the passengers were riding higher than on a normal chicken bus. I had gotten used to chicken bus rides, but unfortunately my stomach was not acclimated to the set up of this particular bus, so I was car sick the whole ride - 7 hours! I couldn’t eat, luckily they provided us with bottled water, but the bus was air conditioned, so we were not allowed to open the windows, and Peace Corps would not let the bus make any stops. We called the Peace Corps worker who was following our bus asking if we could please pull over because there were people who needed relieve their bowls, which was not supposed to be done in the bathroom on the bus (there was even a note on the door) and that someone was car sick - but he would not approve a rest stop! Seven hours on a bus without stopping - are you serious!!! Apparently they were!

I had to open the window of the bus a couple times, but I ended up making it to Tegucigalpa without vomiting. Amanda and I had mastered our Honduran bus riding, so we were the first two off that bus, with our bags, and in the elevator going up to the lobby. The bus had pulled around back to the service entrance where there was only one elevator, so it took 45 minutes for everyone on the bus to make it upstairs. I was happy I used my Honduran-ness to get off that bus, but I’m sorry to those of you that I stepped in front of - I was still afraid vomiting might have been a in the picture - and I hadn’t used the bathroom in more than eight hours, so I was in a hurry to get off that bus!

Once at the hotel…..well, that will be for Part 2!

Feliz año nuevo y bienvenidos 2012!!!

Written December 31st

As it is New Years Eve, I am currently thinking over this past year - 2011. It was a good year. This time last year, I was in Seattle celebrating the 24th birthday of one of my best friends (Happy Birthday Jess!), and waiting to be shipped off to Honduras, where I currently am. It was a great day, Jessica’s best friend Danielle made mini cupcakes - they were Guinness cupcakes with a Bialys Irish Cream frosting! I don’t like the flavor of alcohol, but those cupcakes were delicious! The three of us drove up to Seattle (we were at Jessica’s parent’s house) to get ready for an evening on the town. Seattle - being the home of the Space Needle, has the annual fireworks show there. I had never been before, so I was excited to see it. However, as it was December 31st, it was freezing out, especially waiting around that late at night. Jess, Dani, and I joined the mob of people around the TV cameras around 11pm - hot chocolate in hand. We, like everyone else, were trying to get the TV host’s attention, so we could get on TV. When he went around asking for plans for the new year, I told him I was joining the Peace Corps, which got me five seconds of fame on the Seattle news! After the fireworks show, we stuck around the TV crew to try and get a hug from the host - which we did - then we made our way back to the car and to Jessica’s aunt's house. Instead of heading to bed, we went downstairs and watched two episodes of Jersey Shores, and the called it a night. I had never seen Jersey Shores before, but that was how I welcomed the year 2011! Who would have guessed that show would play a semi-larger role in the year to come! (Explanation later).

The next two months I spent at my best friend’s house outside of Seattle practicing my Spanish and reading some of books Peace Corps recommended. Then, February 23rd I left for Peace Corps staging in Atlanta - taking my life down a whole new path! In Atlanta, I met 52 other people just like me, anxiously awaiting our departure to Honduras. We spent three months together in training - all equally appreciating what we were learning, but hating a good portion of it at the same time. Nobody likes to be treated like they are in kindergarten - being told when to eat, when to sleep, what you can and can’t do, especially when we are all college graduates that had made the choice to volunteer our time in another country.

But, as tough as it was, we all made it through training - without loosing a single trainee. May 14th, we were all shuttled to the American Embassy to become real Peace Corps Volunteers. None of us would have guessed at that time that we wouldn’t even make it a year. Of course people talked every now and then of the possibility of Honduras getting shut down and what you would do in that case, but it was never something I expected to really happen - at least I truly hoped not. But, as the news kept telling us that Honduras is the most dangerous country in the world - with the highest murder rate, and an insane amount of cocaine traffic - I guess our fate was inevitable.

I still remember May 15th perfectly - waking up at 4am to finish getting all my stuff together, and to meet the bus Peace Corps had organized for everyone who had long trips ahead of them. I lucked out and did not have to haul around my two huge bags because a volunteer that was going to be living close to me got a ride to his site, and his counterparts graciously hauled my luggage to my site for me! Took a load of my mind and back! I got off the Peace Corps bus in Tegucigalpa, where I met up with my counterpart/host mom - Sonia. She had a cab already, and hurried me along to get in it. I made my last goodbyes to the volunteers that were on the bus with me, and hopped in the cab. Sonia is a straight shooter - she tells it like it is, and does things efficiently. She knew we had a bus to catch, and was hell bent on getting there on time, which we did. I was not the only volunteer to end up on that bus, there were four others. I would have liked to sit with them, talk in English about how nervous we were, and just relax, but I had to sit with Sonia. At that point, my Spanish was adequate at best, mostly due to my lack of self confidence - I thought too much about what I wanted/needed to say and if I was going to say it right. After arriving in site, I quickly learned that the best thing for me to do was just to talk, talk, talk in Spanish and not worry if I messed up.

Sonia and I didn’t talk a lot on the bus, I had my book, and I pretty much kept my nose in it. She knew that I was nervous, and that my Spanish was not that great, so she didn’t try to force any conversations either. We talked every once in a while about something we were passing or about other volunteers that had been in my site in the past, but that was about it.

We arrived to my site at about 2pm - and my luggage had made it there an hour or so before us. Sonia showed me around the house, and showed me to my room where she left me to unpack. She brought me some fruit after a little bit, but then I just went to sleep. I was exhausted after hardly no sleep the night before, followed by a day of traveling and stressing about whether I would like my new home or not. It takes a lot out of you. I got up for dinner, and met Sonia’s husband and son, then went back to bed. The next day began my true service with Peace Corps Honduras. I can’t believe that it has been almost 8 months since that day (which was my sister’s 27th birthday). It has all gone by so fast - the whole year has basically been a world-wind!

In my opinion, 2011 was one of my favorite years yet. I joined the Peace Corps and spent the past 10 months in Honduras - a country I have come to love, and to be quite honest don’t want to leave. I will never forget the lunchtime talks or after-class getaways during training - Nina, Amanda, and Ashley talking about Jersey Shore; Geoff and Alex making fun of them, but in my opinion secretly wanting to go to Valle de Angles and watch the latest episodes with the girls; Slater, Kelvin, Alden, and Roy always looking for more food because they are growing boys that need more than a typical Honduran lunch to satisfy their metabolisms; Vlad, Cruz and Erin always getting the soccer games going; Che, Andrea, Tom, Dan, Slater, Melissa, and I making our bi or tri weekly trips to Santa Lucia; Lacy always off on her own knitting, or fighting with Slater and Cruz; Ryan always sharing his passion for music and Norway; Kristin and her usually accurate guesses about who was going to hook up with whom; Kelvin and Ryan busting out the Thong song at Karaoke; Julia and her amazing rapping skills; Ashley and I singing Little Mermaid sons outside the immigration office in Tegus; Eric, Roman, Alden and Jacob always bringing out the hacky sack; Damarise and Craig being adorable with their marriage bracelets; Brian always rockin’ his straw Fedora; Brett, Tiffany, Vlad, and Nina busting out the playing cards; Brayton always finding time to get a little reading in; Tricia and Leticia always so adorable and chilly when a good portion of the rest of us were sweating - I have so many memories or our times together; I just wish that we could have more. Having to leave Honduras a year and a half early is not something any of us wanted, but we are all figuring out how to deal with it in our own ways.

Over this past year, I made some friends that I truly hope will be life-long. It will be hard staying in contact as all of us volunteers are from all around the US, and as easy as it is to say you will stay in contact with friends in site, I know that once we all get back to the States, it will slowly get harder and harder to keep in contact with our friends we leave behind in Honduras. But, on the bright side, now we have Facebook - which makes keeping in contact with people all around the globe a much easier task. Us H-18 Volunteers will be together one last time during our conference in Tegucigalpa, then we are all being shipped back “home” on January 16th - a month and a week short of one year in Honduras.

During this conference, we all have some heavy decisions to make. Do we stay on “Administrative Hold” in hopes that Honduras will open back up and we can return to our original sites? Do we take “Interrupted Service” and apply to another country? Do we take “Interrupted Service” and deiced not to continue our service with Peace Corps? I know that a lot of volunteers have already made up their minds - some already having gone home, but then there is me (and I‘m sure others are in the same boat) - I just can’t decide what to do. Do I hold out - hoping that I will be able to return to my site at some point, albeit two or three months from now? Do I take interrupted service and move on with my life? Do I want to start all over in another country? I guess this is what the conference is going to be about though - an opportunity for us to really hear all of our options and make an informed decision about our future with Peace Corps.

So, now I have 10 days left in my site, then I’m off to Tegus to be put up in a nice hotel that I will not be allowed to leave. I know Peace Corps has to take their security precautions, but putting 150 volunteers in a hotel and then telling them they are not allowed to leave it - I’m guessing there may be some trouble ahead - but vamos a ver (we’ll see).

Goodbyes Are Never Easy

I have never been one for goodbyes, but to be honest, who really likes to say goodbye?

I’ve been instructed not to talk too much about what is going on here in Honduras, but the news has already hit the international scene from different news sources, so I think I am safe saying that in January all the current volunteers in Honduras are being sent back to the United States, while Peace Corps Honduras makes important decision about their future.

So, that being said, I will be going back to the United States in January. I’m not sure yet of the exact date, but it is looking like the second week. There is still a possibility of returning to Honduras, but the program will probably be very different if that does end up being an option. We all just have to wait it out and see what is decided.

What does this all mean for me. It means that I’m left very sad. It is Christmas time and all I can think of is how I have to say goodbye to all the amazing people that I have grown to love and thought I would be living with and helping for the next year an a half. Trying to explain the citation here in Honduras never goes very well because the people in my site don’t understand the extent of the dangers here in Honduras - to them Mexico and Guatemala are 10 times more “dangerous,” but that just isn’t the case anymore. It is hard being in a small site that is very safe. It is one of those “bad things don’t happen here” situations because for the most part they don’t - bad things only happen in the bigger cities and to the narcos. The people in my site think that us US-ers don’t have to worry because all the violence stays between the narcos, but unfortunately it doesn‘t anymore. So, I am doing my best to explain to them why we have to leave and how I am going to miss them all so much. They all still have a lot of hope that I will be able to return, and I hope they are right!!

In addition to having to say goodbye to all the amazing people in my site, I also have to say goodbye to all the other volunteers - a lot of us have grown to be like a family and a support system for each other. I know that when we all go to the States it will be a lot easier to stay in touch with each other than with our Honduran friends. But, the United States is huge, and we are from all over the place. I’ll be over in Washington, and luckily there are a handful of volunteers from the Pacific Northwest, but then there are others all the way over in Massachusetts, Washington DC, the Carolinas, Wisconsin, Philly, Texas, Utah - we are spread out all over the place, and who knows when we will be able to see each other again. Yes, we can talk online and call, but it is a lot different than just being a bus ride away to spend the weekend together!

I have a lot to take in and a lot to think about over the next two weeks while I’m here in Honduras in limbo, waiting for the random updates from Peace Corps.

To look at the bright side of things - I will always have amazing memories from here in Honduras, I can always come back to visit, and I will be seeing my family soon!

I think the hardest part is going to be saying goodbye to all the kids because they are not going to understand...I don't want them to think I'm leaving them by choice!!!! I've grown to love them all so much!!!!

"Important Message From Peace Corps Leadership"

Written Sunday December 18th -

On Friday afternoon, Peace Corps Honduras volunteers received a text message from admin telling us that our country director sent out an e-mail and to please take a look at it. At that moment, my power was out in my site, so I text a couple friends to ask if they could tell me what the e-mail said. However, the people I text were not able to check their e-mail at that time, either. Luckily, my power came back on about a half hour later, so I didn’t have to wait too long. BUT, for some reason my internet was being even slower than normal, and would load g-mail. It took another half hour to get the Webpage loaded, and then when it finally was - "fijese que" there was no new e-mail for our country director.

I got onto Facebook and started chatting with a handful of volunteer friends - and it turns out that my training class H-18 (or possibly just the health group from H-18) were not sent this “important” e-mail from admin. So, as all of us were chatting and speculating about what the e-mail could possibly say, the rest of the volunteers were getting the info.

Some of the chisme (gossip) circulating around was that Peace Corps Honduras was going to be shut down, that new volunteers were not going to be allowed into country, that admin was just announcing the new Safety and Security Officer to replace the VERY missed Juan Carlos. Thankfully a few H-18rs have site-mates who received the e-mail and passed it on to the rest of us.

So, at 8:00pm, three hours after our country director sent out the e-mail, us H-18ers finally received it. It was a very stressful few hours. Speculation and wondering eats at your nerves, but some of the speculations were true - it seems that Peace Corps is suspending the incoming of new volunteers to Honduras due to increased security risks in country.

The e-mail said the following:

“Due to ongoing safety and security concerns, Peace Corps has made the difficult decision to implement some important changes to its volunteer program in Central America - specifically Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras. As many of you are aware, there have been several incidents in recent months across all three posts that threatened the personal safety of individual Volunteers. Consequently we are immediately implementing a series of actions to help mitigate safety and security risks. Today Peace Corps suspended Honduras’ February 2012 training group. In doing so, we are asking staff to redirect its energies to reinforcing the currently safety and security systems in place and to implementing additional measures in support of the recent policy shifts regarding family home stays and travel.

In the coming days, we will be announcing additional actions as we continue our analysis of the operating environments in Central America. Please rest assured that we are taking these initial measures precisely because safety and security of our volunteers is the agency’s highest priority. Our staff in Washington will be working to provide all of you with the support you may need.

We ask in advance for your patience and understanding as we work through the many details that are associated with the changes we are implementing.”

It has been two weeks since one of our volunteers here was shot in an assault on a bus, and this is the first e-mail that we have receive that really says anything. After two weeks of all of us volunteers e-mailing, texting, and calling each other talking about how we thought Peace Corps Honduras handled the situation with the injured volunteer, and what we thought was going to come of it all, it is nice to see some action being taken.

I see this step as a good one. I certainly did not want them to close Honduras completely, sending us all packing, but Peace Corps needed to do something to show that they were accepting the reality of our situation here in Honduras. I am not aware of any of the specifics of El Salvador nor Guatemala, but I do know that Honduras is more dangerous than both of them, as it is currently the most dangerous country in the world that is not at war.

I was told during our three hours of waiting to read the e-mail, that the new training class that was supposed to arrive in Guatemala in two weeks was cancelled, and I had a feeling that would the same fate we were going to be facing. However, because Honduras is more dangerous, part of me was afraid that we might be facing a larger/worse fate - being sent home.

Who knows, though, they said in the e-mail that in the coming days they will be announcing additional actions. I’m curious to see what that means for us volunteers in Honduras. I also heard a rumor that volunteers from Guatemala and El Salvador were not going to be allowed to travel into Honduras - so does that mean that we are not going to be allowed to travel into those countries either? If that is the case, I will be extremely bummed as my mother will be here in a month and we were fully planning on going to both of those countries.

I’m sure that these “additional actions” are going to include a number of travel restrictions in and out of Tegucigalpa and San Pedro Sula, and travel out of your site. Every time those sort of policies get put in place most of us volunteers cringe - yes - we understand why the policies would be implemented, but it just makes us wonder - if we are going to be forced to stay in a little bubble due to the security issues, is it worth trying to keep Honduras open? I know that I am just speculating there, but it would follow the trend of Peace Corps’ normal reaction to situations, so I’m not going to be surprised if we are hit with a bunch of travel restrictions and policies throughout this week.

Like I have said. I do not want to see Honduras get shut down, but then at the same time all of us volunteers are worried about our own personal safety. I, personally, feel very safe in my site, and when I travel to the nearest city to do my grocery shopping, I never feel unsafe. But, traveling to and from San Pedro always puts me a little on edge. And now, after the shooting, I am not in any hurry to travel through La Esperanza, which is always so much easier when I need to go down toward Tegus.

A lot of volunteers have mentioned to me that they think Honduras is going to end up being shut down very soon - and they very well could be right. At this point ,though, I honestly have no idea. It could go either way. But, what ever happens, I don’t think they will be announcing it until after the holiday season. So everyone staying in Honduras - please be cautions when traveling for the holidays, and those of you going back to the States (luckies), I hope that you will all return even with our current circumstances here in Honduras. But, we will all understand if that is not the choice you decide to make.

Updates to come as I receive them.

"a tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time"

Written December 6, 2011

I have been debating what I want to say in this blog, or whether I even want to post anything about it for the past week. But, I have so much on my mind that I figured writing about it might make me see things more clearly, and all of you deserve to know what has been going on here in Honduras.

Sunday night, I checked my e-mail before going to bed at about 10pm. I was surprised to see an e-mail about a security incident that had apparently taken place that afternoon. The only information that was shared with us volunteers at that time was:

“Today a PCV was injured in an attempted armed robbery on the Carolina bus between San Pedro and La Esperanza around 12:00pm today. Our volunteer is ok and receiving care in San Pedro. We have multiple staff with the PCV right now. We should have more information tomorrow. Please send your prayers/positive thoughts towards SPS. Thank you.”

The next message I received was actually from another PCV who had received a little more information about the injured volunteer. The PCV spread the word that the injured volunteer was out of surgery and seemed to be doing ok. So it wasn’t until that time, about 10am, that I learned the identity of the injured volunteer. Attached to that e-mail was also an article that ran in the newspaper, so I learned some of the details of the accident - but nothing actually from Peace Corps admin.

All morning and afternoon volunteers were calling and text messaging each other trying to get more information about the accident, as well as tying to decide how they felt about the situation.

It wasn’t until 1pm that afternoon that we had any updates from PC Honduras, which basically summarized the article that had been printed in the newspaper and told us that we should be there for each other and that we should feel free to call anyone in the office if we felt that we need to talk to someone about what happened - as well as the following:

“…at this point this appears to be a tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

We finally got a message from our Country Director at 6:30pm, who was currently out of the country at a training-the-trainer workshop. In her message, our CD explained that she had been in communication with the staff in Honduras and that she was very pleased with how they were responding to the situation “It’s marvelous to see staff handle the emergency situation with such a high level of professionalism, competence and compassion.” I don’t want to copy and paste her entire e-mail, but the gist of it is that if any of us volunteers need support after this incident, than the staff is here for us because “supporting safe, healthy, and productive volunteer experiences for you is our number-one job!”

So what happened to the volunteer? She was riding a bus between San Pedro Sula and La Esperanza, and at about noon, half an hour after leaving San Pedro, three guys got up with guns and announced that they were robbing the bus. Another passenger on the bus had a gun and apparently did not want to be robbed, causing a gun fight to break out, with many people being injured in the process - the volunteer being one of them. She was shot in the leg, and transported to the hospital in San Pedro for surgery.

________

For a little refresher/backstory -
About two months ago, we had a lot of policy changes here in Honduras because of “security incidents” and the need to make volunteer safety a higher priority. We were advised about our behavior, which was apparently to “college” for admin - staying out too late, drinking, and walking around large cities at night, things along those lines. These are all things that Peace Corps had deemed high risk factors that us as volunteers could control. So, if we were assaulted because we were out at two in the morning, it was basically our fault because we could have prevented it if we would have just stayed in.

HOWEVR, now we have a security incident that in no way resembles that - a volunteer was on a bus in the middle of the day and got shot - BUT peace corps is calling it a “tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Where my problem comes in with all of this, in my opinion, is the fact that Peace Corps is treating this incident as if the volunteer had been in a car accident or something more along those lines - something that was completely out of Peace Corps or Honduras‘s control. But, no, she was on a bus… this is a matter of Honduras being the most dangerous country in the world (that is not currently in a war), but it is as if Peace Corps Honduras doesn’t want to own up to that. In one of the e-mials, admin said “If we learn anything that would result in a need to change policy or travel guidance we will communicate that straight away.” So, as a result of this accident, their response is that they might just need to make another policy change. It seems to me that this is their response to everything - make another rule or policy change that will help to avoid situations like this in the future, but for this particular incident, I don’t think there is really anything that can be done. People have to travel in and out of San Pedro Sula and/or La Esperanza. There is no way to avoid that - we already have been instructed to make sure and not travel at night, especially in and out of San Pedro or Tegus, and this volunteer was certainly not - it was noon on a Sunday.

To make this situation worse, it was brought to volunteers attention the following day that there had actually been two other assaults on the same bus company over that week - but Peace Corps had not informed any volunteers of these incidents.

My question is, what can be done at this point? We live in the most dangerous country in the world that is not currently in a war and the Peace Corps needs to realize that and take responsibility for what happens in this country. Since my training class arrived in out sites, we have heard rumors about Peace Corps Honduras getting shut down if there is “one more serious incident.” But what is “serious” in their eyes? Is it going to take someone dieing for them to realize the gravity of the security situation here in Honduras. I certainly do not want Honduras to get shut down because I am not ready to pack up and go home, but at this point I am just a little disappointed with their reaction to this serious event. We had a volunteer shot, and not a single e-mail had a hint of remorse, and Peace Corps is blaming it on being in “the wrong place at the wrong time.” What if that bullet had hit the volunteer two feet higher and got her in the heart or hit her femoral artery instead of the leg - what would Peace Crops be doing/saying then.

I love living in Honduras and at times forget how dangerous it really is here, but having a friend of mine get shot opened my eyes. And I think it is time for Peace Corps Honduras to open their eyes a little bit as well.

Dia Mundial del SIDA

Dia Mundial del SIDA - written December 2nd

Yesterday, as I hope all of you knew, was World AIDS Day. For the volunteers of the health project in Peace Corps, it is kind of a big day. Not all the health volunteers organize events, but in some way, we all try to inform and educate the people in our communities. I don’t know why, but I got very excited for World AIDS Day this year. I spent a long time planned a whole day of info and activities, got the municipality involved, the nurses from my health center wanted to help, a women from near by came to give her testimony of what it is like to live with HIV - the only thing that was missing in the end, were the townspeople.

One of the info displays I made for World AIDS Day.

I know that I should not have gotten my hopes up for a big turn out, but I really hoped that people would come and show their support - not only support for people living with HIV, but their support for me. I have been living in this town for six months and everyone knew that I was organizing this event, so I had hoped people would come because I was organizing it if for no other reason. I realize know that that was a foolish thing to hope for. As much as people smile and say hi and act excited when I talk to them, it doesn’t change who they are and how they are going to act. And when it comes to things related to HIV, people do not want to be associated with it - people think that if they go to an event about HIV, people with assume they have HIV.

But, this is exactly what World AIDS day is all about - and this year especially. The theme for this year was Llegar a cero - arrive at zero - zero discrimination, zero new infections of HIV, and zero deaths related to AIDS. I was trying to focus on zero discrimination. I had a women living with HIV come to give her testimony, and I was hoping people would come and listen and realize that people living with HIV are just like everyone else. People here in Honduras often think that if someone has HIV you can tell by looking at them, but no, someone with HIV looks just like the rest of it - you could have HIV and not know for a really long time.

So, yesterday, we started late of course - Honduran time. We were going to start at 9am, but we ended up starting around 9:30am. The plan was for a parade through town with signs and the band playing drawing attention to us. About seven members of the band showed up, and there were three drums, which was plenty to make a good amount of noise and get people’s attention. Everyone else that came to the parade were very little kids. I love that they wanted to help, but where were all the adults? There were three walking with Amanda and I - Hector who was helping me, one of his friends from his church, and then the teacher who had to be there because of the instruments the kids had. But, I didn’t let that get me down. We all took a sign and walked through the streets: “If I had HIV would you hug me?” “If your brother had HIV, would you stop loving him,” “stop the incline of HIV - in Honduras there are 39,000 people living with HIV,” “Support people living with HIV,” “Prevent HIV - Abstinence - use a condom,” “Educate yourself, Inform yourself, and Avoid it,,” “The whole world deserves their rights!” And many more. We marched down to the main street and talked to people waiting for buses, and waved our signs at buses driving by - we picked up a few more people and then marched through town. The whole way, I was passing out red ribbons so people could pin them on and show their support for people living with HIV, and we were telling people about the event in the center: information about HIV, a testimony, and free HIV tests.

Part of our parade through town.

After we made it back to the center, it was time for Sra. Sofia to giver her testimony. All the kids stayed to listen because they wanted some of the cake that I had made for the occasion - about four other adults wandered in to listen, too, but part of me thinks it was only because they heard about the cake. I know - what great feelings I have toward Hondurans, right? But, I’m just telling you how I feel.

The ribbon cake I made for Dia Mundial del SIDA.

I’m glad that the kids were there, it was information that they will hold with them their whole lives, I hope. A lot of the kids were in my Yo Merezco class, meaning I had already taught them about HIV, so this event was the perfect experience for them. Hopefully everything Sra. Sofia talked about reinforced everything that I had taught them, and put a face to HIV for them. I feel like, for them, meeting someone with HIV will be something they hold with them their whole lives. My hope is that their generation will not discriminate and hold such a stigma to those who are living with HIV! So, for that I am very glad that so many young people were at the event because it gives me hope for the next generation, but the lack of adult participation just proves all the work that still needs to be done with the current generation. This is exactly the problem. People don’t want to learn about HIV, people don’t want to meet people with HIV - instead when someone finds out that someone else is HIV positive, they fight them, or kill them - unfortunately that happens here in Honduras, and in many countries all over the world. Which, is exactly why I think this year’s theme was so important - Llegar a cero (arrive at zero) - CERO DISCRIMINATION. I just wish that I could have gotten more people in my town involved. I did everything I could. I advertised the event, I talked to people in town about it, I had Hector talk to people about it and we both passed out flyers; I called women in the women’s groups to come, I asked the people in charge of the youth groups to have them young people come. I did everything except walk around town with a microphone announcing it on a loud speaker - which maybe next year I will try to do. So, I need to not get down on myself. I did everything I could to get people involved and I am very grateful to the people that did participate, but it is hard not to get upset about the lack of participation.

After Sra. Sofia’s testimony we were in the center for a couple more hours with information and free HIV tests. Fifteen people ended up coming and getting tested, which after the lack of participation during the morning, I was actually surprised at the number. And, of those 15 people, none of them were positive for HIV - which is very good news!

At 6pm, I had planned another parade with candles to commemorate the people who had AIDS and died because of a sickness they were not able to fight off due to their compromised immune systems. When it was time for me to go down and meet people for the parade, I had lost my ganas (my drive/my excitement) to go because I had a feeling nobody would be there. And, unfortunately, I was right. Nobody was there to meet Amanda and I. We waited about 20 minutes, and then I decided to just make the ribbon symbol out of candles like we had planned and have a moment of silence anyway! As I was setting out the candles a handful of people came and asked what we were doing and helped me light them, then we all had a moment of silence to commemorate the people who had died, and then we waited for the candles to start burning out before we called it a night.

Candle ribbon to commemorate those who have passed away.

I know that this blog might not be the most up beat. But, yesterday was difficult for me. I spent the week preparing for this event, getting so excited, and trying to get other people involved and excited. Then when it came down to it and almost nobody showed up, it hurt. It hurt because nobody could take it upon themselves to be involved in something having to do with HIV, and it hurt because even if people were worried about what other people might think, they still didn’t come to show their support for me. I know this day was not about me - it was about showing support for people living with HIV, informing people about the virus, and trying to reduce the stigma associated with it, but it still hurt that hardly anyone came.

As a Peace Corps volunteer, they tell us not to take these things to heart, that it is a slow process and that we can plan great events and that people won’t come, but that there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is plan events, inform the people that do come, and hope that they will share the information that they learn with other people. And we have to just realize that at least passed on the information to the few that did participate - but I’m learning that a hard thing to accept/

What keeps me smiling and going from day to day is that I know that the kids are learning all this information. If I can make some sort of mark on their lives while I am hear, I will have done enough - I will feel good about my years volunteering here! I’m looking forward to working with them for the next year and a half!