Goodbyes Are Never Easy

I have never been one for goodbyes, but to be honest, who really likes to say goodbye?

I’ve been instructed not to talk too much about what is going on here in Honduras, but the news has already hit the international scene from different news sources, so I think I am safe saying that in January all the current volunteers in Honduras are being sent back to the United States, while Peace Corps Honduras makes important decision about their future.

So, that being said, I will be going back to the United States in January. I’m not sure yet of the exact date, but it is looking like the second week. There is still a possibility of returning to Honduras, but the program will probably be very different if that does end up being an option. We all just have to wait it out and see what is decided.

What does this all mean for me. It means that I’m left very sad. It is Christmas time and all I can think of is how I have to say goodbye to all the amazing people that I have grown to love and thought I would be living with and helping for the next year an a half. Trying to explain the citation here in Honduras never goes very well because the people in my site don’t understand the extent of the dangers here in Honduras - to them Mexico and Guatemala are 10 times more “dangerous,” but that just isn’t the case anymore. It is hard being in a small site that is very safe. It is one of those “bad things don’t happen here” situations because for the most part they don’t - bad things only happen in the bigger cities and to the narcos. The people in my site think that us US-ers don’t have to worry because all the violence stays between the narcos, but unfortunately it doesn‘t anymore. So, I am doing my best to explain to them why we have to leave and how I am going to miss them all so much. They all still have a lot of hope that I will be able to return, and I hope they are right!!

In addition to having to say goodbye to all the amazing people in my site, I also have to say goodbye to all the other volunteers - a lot of us have grown to be like a family and a support system for each other. I know that when we all go to the States it will be a lot easier to stay in touch with each other than with our Honduran friends. But, the United States is huge, and we are from all over the place. I’ll be over in Washington, and luckily there are a handful of volunteers from the Pacific Northwest, but then there are others all the way over in Massachusetts, Washington DC, the Carolinas, Wisconsin, Philly, Texas, Utah - we are spread out all over the place, and who knows when we will be able to see each other again. Yes, we can talk online and call, but it is a lot different than just being a bus ride away to spend the weekend together!

I have a lot to take in and a lot to think about over the next two weeks while I’m here in Honduras in limbo, waiting for the random updates from Peace Corps.

To look at the bright side of things - I will always have amazing memories from here in Honduras, I can always come back to visit, and I will be seeing my family soon!

I think the hardest part is going to be saying goodbye to all the kids because they are not going to understand...I don't want them to think I'm leaving them by choice!!!! I've grown to love them all so much!!!!

"Important Message From Peace Corps Leadership"

Written Sunday December 18th -

On Friday afternoon, Peace Corps Honduras volunteers received a text message from admin telling us that our country director sent out an e-mail and to please take a look at it. At that moment, my power was out in my site, so I text a couple friends to ask if they could tell me what the e-mail said. However, the people I text were not able to check their e-mail at that time, either. Luckily, my power came back on about a half hour later, so I didn’t have to wait too long. BUT, for some reason my internet was being even slower than normal, and would load g-mail. It took another half hour to get the Webpage loaded, and then when it finally was - "fijese que" there was no new e-mail for our country director.

I got onto Facebook and started chatting with a handful of volunteer friends - and it turns out that my training class H-18 (or possibly just the health group from H-18) were not sent this “important” e-mail from admin. So, as all of us were chatting and speculating about what the e-mail could possibly say, the rest of the volunteers were getting the info.

Some of the chisme (gossip) circulating around was that Peace Corps Honduras was going to be shut down, that new volunteers were not going to be allowed into country, that admin was just announcing the new Safety and Security Officer to replace the VERY missed Juan Carlos. Thankfully a few H-18rs have site-mates who received the e-mail and passed it on to the rest of us.

So, at 8:00pm, three hours after our country director sent out the e-mail, us H-18ers finally received it. It was a very stressful few hours. Speculation and wondering eats at your nerves, but some of the speculations were true - it seems that Peace Corps is suspending the incoming of new volunteers to Honduras due to increased security risks in country.

The e-mail said the following:

“Due to ongoing safety and security concerns, Peace Corps has made the difficult decision to implement some important changes to its volunteer program in Central America - specifically Guatemala, El Salvador and Honduras. As many of you are aware, there have been several incidents in recent months across all three posts that threatened the personal safety of individual Volunteers. Consequently we are immediately implementing a series of actions to help mitigate safety and security risks. Today Peace Corps suspended Honduras’ February 2012 training group. In doing so, we are asking staff to redirect its energies to reinforcing the currently safety and security systems in place and to implementing additional measures in support of the recent policy shifts regarding family home stays and travel.

In the coming days, we will be announcing additional actions as we continue our analysis of the operating environments in Central America. Please rest assured that we are taking these initial measures precisely because safety and security of our volunteers is the agency’s highest priority. Our staff in Washington will be working to provide all of you with the support you may need.

We ask in advance for your patience and understanding as we work through the many details that are associated with the changes we are implementing.”

It has been two weeks since one of our volunteers here was shot in an assault on a bus, and this is the first e-mail that we have receive that really says anything. After two weeks of all of us volunteers e-mailing, texting, and calling each other talking about how we thought Peace Corps Honduras handled the situation with the injured volunteer, and what we thought was going to come of it all, it is nice to see some action being taken.

I see this step as a good one. I certainly did not want them to close Honduras completely, sending us all packing, but Peace Corps needed to do something to show that they were accepting the reality of our situation here in Honduras. I am not aware of any of the specifics of El Salvador nor Guatemala, but I do know that Honduras is more dangerous than both of them, as it is currently the most dangerous country in the world that is not at war.

I was told during our three hours of waiting to read the e-mail, that the new training class that was supposed to arrive in Guatemala in two weeks was cancelled, and I had a feeling that would the same fate we were going to be facing. However, because Honduras is more dangerous, part of me was afraid that we might be facing a larger/worse fate - being sent home.

Who knows, though, they said in the e-mail that in the coming days they will be announcing additional actions. I’m curious to see what that means for us volunteers in Honduras. I also heard a rumor that volunteers from Guatemala and El Salvador were not going to be allowed to travel into Honduras - so does that mean that we are not going to be allowed to travel into those countries either? If that is the case, I will be extremely bummed as my mother will be here in a month and we were fully planning on going to both of those countries.

I’m sure that these “additional actions” are going to include a number of travel restrictions in and out of Tegucigalpa and San Pedro Sula, and travel out of your site. Every time those sort of policies get put in place most of us volunteers cringe - yes - we understand why the policies would be implemented, but it just makes us wonder - if we are going to be forced to stay in a little bubble due to the security issues, is it worth trying to keep Honduras open? I know that I am just speculating there, but it would follow the trend of Peace Corps’ normal reaction to situations, so I’m not going to be surprised if we are hit with a bunch of travel restrictions and policies throughout this week.

Like I have said. I do not want to see Honduras get shut down, but then at the same time all of us volunteers are worried about our own personal safety. I, personally, feel very safe in my site, and when I travel to the nearest city to do my grocery shopping, I never feel unsafe. But, traveling to and from San Pedro always puts me a little on edge. And now, after the shooting, I am not in any hurry to travel through La Esperanza, which is always so much easier when I need to go down toward Tegus.

A lot of volunteers have mentioned to me that they think Honduras is going to end up being shut down very soon - and they very well could be right. At this point ,though, I honestly have no idea. It could go either way. But, what ever happens, I don’t think they will be announcing it until after the holiday season. So everyone staying in Honduras - please be cautions when traveling for the holidays, and those of you going back to the States (luckies), I hope that you will all return even with our current circumstances here in Honduras. But, we will all understand if that is not the choice you decide to make.

Updates to come as I receive them.

"a tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time"

Written December 6, 2011

I have been debating what I want to say in this blog, or whether I even want to post anything about it for the past week. But, I have so much on my mind that I figured writing about it might make me see things more clearly, and all of you deserve to know what has been going on here in Honduras.

Sunday night, I checked my e-mail before going to bed at about 10pm. I was surprised to see an e-mail about a security incident that had apparently taken place that afternoon. The only information that was shared with us volunteers at that time was:

“Today a PCV was injured in an attempted armed robbery on the Carolina bus between San Pedro and La Esperanza around 12:00pm today. Our volunteer is ok and receiving care in San Pedro. We have multiple staff with the PCV right now. We should have more information tomorrow. Please send your prayers/positive thoughts towards SPS. Thank you.”

The next message I received was actually from another PCV who had received a little more information about the injured volunteer. The PCV spread the word that the injured volunteer was out of surgery and seemed to be doing ok. So it wasn’t until that time, about 10am, that I learned the identity of the injured volunteer. Attached to that e-mail was also an article that ran in the newspaper, so I learned some of the details of the accident - but nothing actually from Peace Corps admin.

All morning and afternoon volunteers were calling and text messaging each other trying to get more information about the accident, as well as tying to decide how they felt about the situation.

It wasn’t until 1pm that afternoon that we had any updates from PC Honduras, which basically summarized the article that had been printed in the newspaper and told us that we should be there for each other and that we should feel free to call anyone in the office if we felt that we need to talk to someone about what happened - as well as the following:

“…at this point this appears to be a tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

We finally got a message from our Country Director at 6:30pm, who was currently out of the country at a training-the-trainer workshop. In her message, our CD explained that she had been in communication with the staff in Honduras and that she was very pleased with how they were responding to the situation “It’s marvelous to see staff handle the emergency situation with such a high level of professionalism, competence and compassion.” I don’t want to copy and paste her entire e-mail, but the gist of it is that if any of us volunteers need support after this incident, than the staff is here for us because “supporting safe, healthy, and productive volunteer experiences for you is our number-one job!”

So what happened to the volunteer? She was riding a bus between San Pedro Sula and La Esperanza, and at about noon, half an hour after leaving San Pedro, three guys got up with guns and announced that they were robbing the bus. Another passenger on the bus had a gun and apparently did not want to be robbed, causing a gun fight to break out, with many people being injured in the process - the volunteer being one of them. She was shot in the leg, and transported to the hospital in San Pedro for surgery.

________

For a little refresher/backstory -
About two months ago, we had a lot of policy changes here in Honduras because of “security incidents” and the need to make volunteer safety a higher priority. We were advised about our behavior, which was apparently to “college” for admin - staying out too late, drinking, and walking around large cities at night, things along those lines. These are all things that Peace Corps had deemed high risk factors that us as volunteers could control. So, if we were assaulted because we were out at two in the morning, it was basically our fault because we could have prevented it if we would have just stayed in.

HOWEVR, now we have a security incident that in no way resembles that - a volunteer was on a bus in the middle of the day and got shot - BUT peace corps is calling it a “tragic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Where my problem comes in with all of this, in my opinion, is the fact that Peace Corps is treating this incident as if the volunteer had been in a car accident or something more along those lines - something that was completely out of Peace Corps or Honduras‘s control. But, no, she was on a bus… this is a matter of Honduras being the most dangerous country in the world (that is not currently in a war), but it is as if Peace Corps Honduras doesn’t want to own up to that. In one of the e-mials, admin said “If we learn anything that would result in a need to change policy or travel guidance we will communicate that straight away.” So, as a result of this accident, their response is that they might just need to make another policy change. It seems to me that this is their response to everything - make another rule or policy change that will help to avoid situations like this in the future, but for this particular incident, I don’t think there is really anything that can be done. People have to travel in and out of San Pedro Sula and/or La Esperanza. There is no way to avoid that - we already have been instructed to make sure and not travel at night, especially in and out of San Pedro or Tegus, and this volunteer was certainly not - it was noon on a Sunday.

To make this situation worse, it was brought to volunteers attention the following day that there had actually been two other assaults on the same bus company over that week - but Peace Corps had not informed any volunteers of these incidents.

My question is, what can be done at this point? We live in the most dangerous country in the world that is not currently in a war and the Peace Corps needs to realize that and take responsibility for what happens in this country. Since my training class arrived in out sites, we have heard rumors about Peace Corps Honduras getting shut down if there is “one more serious incident.” But what is “serious” in their eyes? Is it going to take someone dieing for them to realize the gravity of the security situation here in Honduras. I certainly do not want Honduras to get shut down because I am not ready to pack up and go home, but at this point I am just a little disappointed with their reaction to this serious event. We had a volunteer shot, and not a single e-mail had a hint of remorse, and Peace Corps is blaming it on being in “the wrong place at the wrong time.” What if that bullet had hit the volunteer two feet higher and got her in the heart or hit her femoral artery instead of the leg - what would Peace Crops be doing/saying then.

I love living in Honduras and at times forget how dangerous it really is here, but having a friend of mine get shot opened my eyes. And I think it is time for Peace Corps Honduras to open their eyes a little bit as well.

Dia Mundial del SIDA

Dia Mundial del SIDA - written December 2nd

Yesterday, as I hope all of you knew, was World AIDS Day. For the volunteers of the health project in Peace Corps, it is kind of a big day. Not all the health volunteers organize events, but in some way, we all try to inform and educate the people in our communities. I don’t know why, but I got very excited for World AIDS Day this year. I spent a long time planned a whole day of info and activities, got the municipality involved, the nurses from my health center wanted to help, a women from near by came to give her testimony of what it is like to live with HIV - the only thing that was missing in the end, were the townspeople.

One of the info displays I made for World AIDS Day.

I know that I should not have gotten my hopes up for a big turn out, but I really hoped that people would come and show their support - not only support for people living with HIV, but their support for me. I have been living in this town for six months and everyone knew that I was organizing this event, so I had hoped people would come because I was organizing it if for no other reason. I realize know that that was a foolish thing to hope for. As much as people smile and say hi and act excited when I talk to them, it doesn’t change who they are and how they are going to act. And when it comes to things related to HIV, people do not want to be associated with it - people think that if they go to an event about HIV, people with assume they have HIV.

But, this is exactly what World AIDS day is all about - and this year especially. The theme for this year was Llegar a cero - arrive at zero - zero discrimination, zero new infections of HIV, and zero deaths related to AIDS. I was trying to focus on zero discrimination. I had a women living with HIV come to give her testimony, and I was hoping people would come and listen and realize that people living with HIV are just like everyone else. People here in Honduras often think that if someone has HIV you can tell by looking at them, but no, someone with HIV looks just like the rest of it - you could have HIV and not know for a really long time.

So, yesterday, we started late of course - Honduran time. We were going to start at 9am, but we ended up starting around 9:30am. The plan was for a parade through town with signs and the band playing drawing attention to us. About seven members of the band showed up, and there were three drums, which was plenty to make a good amount of noise and get people’s attention. Everyone else that came to the parade were very little kids. I love that they wanted to help, but where were all the adults? There were three walking with Amanda and I - Hector who was helping me, one of his friends from his church, and then the teacher who had to be there because of the instruments the kids had. But, I didn’t let that get me down. We all took a sign and walked through the streets: “If I had HIV would you hug me?” “If your brother had HIV, would you stop loving him,” “stop the incline of HIV - in Honduras there are 39,000 people living with HIV,” “Support people living with HIV,” “Prevent HIV - Abstinence - use a condom,” “Educate yourself, Inform yourself, and Avoid it,,” “The whole world deserves their rights!” And many more. We marched down to the main street and talked to people waiting for buses, and waved our signs at buses driving by - we picked up a few more people and then marched through town. The whole way, I was passing out red ribbons so people could pin them on and show their support for people living with HIV, and we were telling people about the event in the center: information about HIV, a testimony, and free HIV tests.

Part of our parade through town.

After we made it back to the center, it was time for Sra. Sofia to giver her testimony. All the kids stayed to listen because they wanted some of the cake that I had made for the occasion - about four other adults wandered in to listen, too, but part of me thinks it was only because they heard about the cake. I know - what great feelings I have toward Hondurans, right? But, I’m just telling you how I feel.

The ribbon cake I made for Dia Mundial del SIDA.

I’m glad that the kids were there, it was information that they will hold with them their whole lives, I hope. A lot of the kids were in my Yo Merezco class, meaning I had already taught them about HIV, so this event was the perfect experience for them. Hopefully everything Sra. Sofia talked about reinforced everything that I had taught them, and put a face to HIV for them. I feel like, for them, meeting someone with HIV will be something they hold with them their whole lives. My hope is that their generation will not discriminate and hold such a stigma to those who are living with HIV! So, for that I am very glad that so many young people were at the event because it gives me hope for the next generation, but the lack of adult participation just proves all the work that still needs to be done with the current generation. This is exactly the problem. People don’t want to learn about HIV, people don’t want to meet people with HIV - instead when someone finds out that someone else is HIV positive, they fight them, or kill them - unfortunately that happens here in Honduras, and in many countries all over the world. Which, is exactly why I think this year’s theme was so important - Llegar a cero (arrive at zero) - CERO DISCRIMINATION. I just wish that I could have gotten more people in my town involved. I did everything I could. I advertised the event, I talked to people in town about it, I had Hector talk to people about it and we both passed out flyers; I called women in the women’s groups to come, I asked the people in charge of the youth groups to have them young people come. I did everything except walk around town with a microphone announcing it on a loud speaker - which maybe next year I will try to do. So, I need to not get down on myself. I did everything I could to get people involved and I am very grateful to the people that did participate, but it is hard not to get upset about the lack of participation.

After Sra. Sofia’s testimony we were in the center for a couple more hours with information and free HIV tests. Fifteen people ended up coming and getting tested, which after the lack of participation during the morning, I was actually surprised at the number. And, of those 15 people, none of them were positive for HIV - which is very good news!

At 6pm, I had planned another parade with candles to commemorate the people who had AIDS and died because of a sickness they were not able to fight off due to their compromised immune systems. When it was time for me to go down and meet people for the parade, I had lost my ganas (my drive/my excitement) to go because I had a feeling nobody would be there. And, unfortunately, I was right. Nobody was there to meet Amanda and I. We waited about 20 minutes, and then I decided to just make the ribbon symbol out of candles like we had planned and have a moment of silence anyway! As I was setting out the candles a handful of people came and asked what we were doing and helped me light them, then we all had a moment of silence to commemorate the people who had died, and then we waited for the candles to start burning out before we called it a night.

Candle ribbon to commemorate those who have passed away.

I know that this blog might not be the most up beat. But, yesterday was difficult for me. I spent the week preparing for this event, getting so excited, and trying to get other people involved and excited. Then when it came down to it and almost nobody showed up, it hurt. It hurt because nobody could take it upon themselves to be involved in something having to do with HIV, and it hurt because even if people were worried about what other people might think, they still didn’t come to show their support for me. I know this day was not about me - it was about showing support for people living with HIV, informing people about the virus, and trying to reduce the stigma associated with it, but it still hurt that hardly anyone came.

As a Peace Corps volunteer, they tell us not to take these things to heart, that it is a slow process and that we can plan great events and that people won’t come, but that there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is plan events, inform the people that do come, and hope that they will share the information that they learn with other people. And we have to just realize that at least passed on the information to the few that did participate - but I’m learning that a hard thing to accept/

What keeps me smiling and going from day to day is that I know that the kids are learning all this information. If I can make some sort of mark on their lives while I am hear, I will have done enough - I will feel good about my years volunteering here! I’m looking forward to working with them for the next year and a half!